“I want to hire a doula but my partner is not sure”
I have spoken to countless expecting mothers, and I keep hearing the same things:
“My partner is not sure about having a doula”
“My husband says that his mother didn’t need one”
“Mon chum is not sure about the price”
Whenever I hear this, I know for sure one thing:
When they hire me, my job during the prenatal preparation classes will be more challenging with DAD.
And this is because women have been involved in pregnancy-related topics in a greater extent than men. This is not their fault. We women, are the ones who experience the miracle of life (the good and the bad) even before conception.
We are the ones with anxiety over our careers and dreams. We are the ones with morning sickness and exhaustion at 3pm. We are the ones whose bodies change forever. So yes, we will know more about pregnancy and birth than men.
But I need to be straightforward with you.
You need to start being clear on your wishes/needs and make them happen.
You, as the mother of your child, will be making tough decisions from now on, so during your pregnancy you should take any opportunity you have to practice! Practice having difficult conversations about parenting styles, about finances, about beliefs.
Voicing out your needs is a skill!
You will need it after your baby is born to lower the chances of postpartum depression, but mostly, you will need it to be the right parent for your child.
It all starts with you and how clear and decisive you are on your wishes, on how well you listen to your inner voice, and on how well-informed you are over the topic you are trying to decide on. It’s not easy, I know, but you can do it! You are already doing it! It’s just a matter of refining the skill.
So, the next time your partner tells you that they are not convinced about hiring a doula, try the following things to prepare before talking to them about the topic:
Write down your reasons
Write details on why you want doula support, not to convince them, but for you to have a clear idea in your head. Do this for you. This is also a great resource to share with your doula once you meet them! I know I would be thrilled to hear your wishes and dreams for this journey we are about to start!
Check your finances and make a budget
If the main issue is the financial situation, make sure you know where you stand as an individual. When you have a clear picture of your personal finances, then you can come up with a plan. This plan can look like: Instead of having a gift list for your baby shower or mother blessing, have a “Prenatal care fund”.
Check your insurance policy.
In Montreal, some doulas (like me!) can write you naturopathy or massage therapy receipts. You can have the total amount of the cost divided between your policy, your partner’s, and even under your baby’s once they’re born!
Approach them with a plan
Once you have prepared, speak to them from your heart, but also show them how you both can work towards the same goal! make sure then can’t say no because you, my dear, have a plan !!
As a doula, I have seen that the mothers are generally not surprised by the outcomes of the birth when they are being supported and when they know their options. Do you know who is usually VERY surprised? The dad is!
Dad learns how important their role is during labor. They learn tools to be active participants instead of observers. They are confident in how to help their partners cope with pain and how to talk about medical options. By hiring a doula, dad gets to be involved in the process and becomes a parent before even meeting the baby.
So, if you are certain of hiring a doula but your partner is not, do not be afraid to speak up. Find a way to achieve your goal, communicate, and trust that it will happen because you are working towards it. It will happen!
And this, my friend, is also how you prepare your brain for labor and to be a parent.
So go out there and start being strategic and intentional with your investments and time! Do not be afraid, you’ve got this!!
